I never thought that I will be this affected by what happened between us. It was my decision. I couldn’t live with you anymore. There was no love, there was no future, or rather I couldn’t, I still can’t and I guess I won’t ever be able to see the future for you and me.
I know I hurt you and how I wish you would realize how much you’ve hurt me too.
But I did make that promise. I promised that I will love you, till death do us part, I promised that I will be there to take care of you when you’re all grey and old.
But you also made a promise to be my partner in life, you made a promise to be my caretaker and my provider, you promised that you will lead and love and manage.
You see I can do all those too without you, but since you promised to be my partner in life I expect you to act like one, but of course you did not. I was alone then, I am alone now. The difference is, now, I do not have to pretend that I am not alone. There is nothing worse than being alone when everyone think that I am not. That is what I went through when we were still together.
So I left, I need a partner and you are not him.
The first day of this month as I was eating the early morning meal I thought of you. How did you manage that first meal? Can you managed them? When mom made your favorite meal as part of ours I couldn’t eat them and I realized that subconsciously I have been avoiding those for this reason.
Guilt.
I am happy now, much happier than when I was with you and I guess that makes it even worse.
This is not regret. I do not regret my decision.
Things will be better off without you.
Things are better off without you.
But I used to love you. I used to. It left an impression that is strong enough to make me wish for your happiness. I wish you happiness. Despite all the bad things, I still do.
Maybe one day I can tell you this in person. One day when all the attack has finally come to an end and we can finally move on to an amicable state of being exes.
Will that day ever come? I do not know.
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