Day 9 and a proposal.

That @yogaappstudio is a god send.

The quickie before the session was too.

15 minutes of strength and 30 minutes of balance. Standing Garudasana, combination of all virabadhrasana(s), trikonsanas and the adrachandrasana. Headstand still needed his support.

Went to my best friend’s ‘proposal’ night. The official request from the groom’s family to the bride’s. It’s a traditional thing that I did and I do not want to do again.

She’s going to get married.

We may not have that soon for us, but you told me you will be there. For the long haul. For the rest of our life, together.

Day 8

Did a 30 minutes strength flow. That was great.

Found that the app can play my music play list too. Maroon 5, Fallout Boy, Black Eyed Peas and the Blues Traveller graced my flow.

He came around nine pm and told me the exciting news. So proud of him, so much more in love, so excited for him. We made plans to make it work, and crossed our fingers.

Here’s to the new life. Here’s to the life that we want and fight for. Here’s to the life we are going to live together.

I love you.

Secure life.

Told him today that I want a secure life. Without really knowing what it means, what does it imply and what will it take to have one.

All my life, I have been privileged with the opportunities of making my own decisions, deciding my own fate.

At this point, with the kind of turmoil I’m
going through, I can’t help wondering how it feels to have your life being decided for you, and to have all responsibilities lifted from your shoulders, and life itself is presented to you on a silver platter to be enjoyed, savored, and lived.

I realized that it’s never going to happen, and I know I would hate that kind of life, but I just can’t help wondering.

On the divorce

I never thought that I will be this affected by what happened between us. It was my decision. I couldn’t live with you anymore. There was no love, there was no future, or rather I couldn’t, I still can’t and I guess I won’t ever be able to see the future for you and me.

I know I hurt you and how I wish you would realize how much you’ve hurt me too.

But I did make that promise. I promised that I will love you, till death do us part, I promised that I will be there to take care of you when you’re all grey and old.

But you also made a promise to be my partner in life, you made a promise to be my caretaker and my provider, you promised that you will lead and love and manage.

You see I can do all those too without you, but since you promised to be my partner in life I expect you to act like one, but of course you did not. I was alone then, I am alone now. The difference is, now, I do not have to pretend that I am not alone. There is nothing worse than being alone when everyone think that I am not. That is what I went through when we were still together.

So I left, I need a partner and you are not him.

The first day of this month as I was eating the early morning meal I thought of you. How did you manage that first meal? Can you managed them? When mom made your favorite meal as part of ours I couldn’t eat them and I realized that subconsciously I have been avoiding those for this reason.

Guilt.

I am happy now, much happier than when I was with you and I guess that makes it even worse.

This is not regret. I do not regret my decision.

Things will be better off without you.
Things are better off without you.

But I used to love you. I used to. It left an impression that is strong enough to make me wish for your happiness. I wish you happiness. Despite all the bad things, I still do.

Maybe one day I can tell you this in person. One day when all the attack has finally come to an end and we can finally move on to an amicable state of being exes.

Will that day ever come? I do not know.

Morning Greeting

This comes from under the blanket
While cooled air swirled around
Wishing instead for the warmth
Of your chocolate skin over mine

For your presence is like heartbeat
Mine
For your being is the very essence of life
So mine could not start
Without you